Woot whoo

So...I had a pretty good day today...lots of fun, but when I got home, something felt amiss. I'm super crashed now and can't think straight and am a bit depressive. Listening to piano music and FF music.

In recent events, her boyfriend broke up with her. When they started dating, I thought the day that they broke up would be bliss (selfish like hell yea?), but it turns it wasn't. She was so depressed, and I became depresed as well. Seeing her walk around without her usual smile or upbeat personality is real downer. I've been trying to maybe cheeer her up, but it's pretty difficult since she's so hung up over him (as I with her as one friend stated). yea I really just wanna see her happy again. I don't really see myself her her future, but I still care for her dearly.

I gave her a Christmas card, in hopes of turning the season around for her. I can't tell if she likes it or not =\.

It's weird...

Another insomniatic night and I have nothing better to do. Playing games right now doesn't feel too fun. I had a lot on my mind and wanted to write something, but I couldn't find a focus to write about X_X. Then again, I think I'll just start some random topics that have been on my mind lately.

Change is an inevitable force. My goals from earlier this year have definitely been warped. I originally planned to graduate this year, but in the end it idn't work out so well. Precalculus is a pain in the ass already, but doing it without a teacher is even worse. Ultimately, I decided to graduate regularly, but next year I'd have early release and get a job at Best Buy (hopefully) while taking BS classes for a nice GPA boost =). My parents also want to buy a new house. It feels kinda nice to have a change of scenery.

Although, not every change is good. A bit about my previous entry, it's pretty self-explanatory. But I guess the two of us kind of had a falling out. I don't know...it just feels weird to have to relinquish control of a situation. She's avoiding me now, I don't know for how long, but I'm going to use the time and try to let go of her. However, I still want to be friends because she was a life-changer to me. I don't know how to explain it, you'd have to be me to understand.

I've always had a worry about never achieving success or my goals. It's been scaring the bloody shit out of me recently. Everything's coming at me so fast and I can't keep up. I wish things would just wind down. I miss the days when you could be so carefree, but I guess we all gotta grow up sometime right? There's a mountain of expectations and I'm at the very bottom with nothing but my bare hands.

My sister and cousin were right...don't grow up too fast, enjoy life right now.

Tears of Tribulation

I asked to talk to her alone, in private, away from the stray ears. We moved next to the stairs shrouded in shadows. I looked at her dead in the eye, then shifted away quickly. I started to speak; started to apologize for everything. I started to apologize for not sticking up for her in during the three years we were friends even though she said she didn't care. I started to apologize for calling "stupid" playfully, not knowing it'd hurt her. I should've known better, regardless of whether it hurt her or not. She said it was ok, but I could still hear the agony in her voice. I told her I'd fix everything; tell everyone the truth, but with a deep sadness in her eyes she told me it was too late, as everyone already thinks so. I felt helpless in such an unusual situation. The control and insight I normally had on a situation was overcome by an insurmountable force.

I'm absolutely appalled by everyone. How could you guys think of such a thing? How could you guys think that she's using me, when I do the same for you (maybe to a lesser extent but nonetheless the same)? And even so, there's something that each and every one of you should know.  Despite my age, I believe I've reached a certain level of maturity that can discern the difference of love, infatuation and lust.

     Therefore, I say that I do things for her because I love her.

     I do things for her because it's the only time I get to spend time with her nowadays.

     I do things for her because I like to see her happy.

Have you seen her smile? It's one-of-a-kind, every aspect unique like a serendipitous diamond. You may say that I'm not appreciated enough, but I swear to you that you will never know how I feel about her until you put yourass in my seat and put your feet in my shoes. Whenever I'm around her, my heart can outrun Usain Bolt. Whenever I see her smile, my worries for the day are washed away. Whenever I hear her voice, my ears spring up like a rabbit. Whenever I embrace her, I don't want to let go. It's all real to me, even if the feelings aren't proportionally mutual. I've held on for 2 long years, and if there wasn't anything there, then I'd have never held on for so long. Please understand, that this is how I feel.

However, all I can do is say it. Your atrocious words have indubitably caused irreparable damage. The tide never rises the same the second time. Regardless of how I manage to or my inability to salvage the situation, I want all of you to reflect upon the weight that each word you utter carries, and the impact that each of your thoughts bear. The consequences that result are inconceivable, even from the tiniest ripple.

-Kevin Pham

What's up

Damn it's already more than halfway into November, and I still don't have those stupid extra classes done =\. There's just so much to do now, it's not like the previous years where you could apply minimal work. I guess senior year is what you make it huh? Anyways I hope I can actually finish this. I've begin to doubt my decision. My sister and cousin were right, don't grow up too fast. However, I'm already too far into the ball game so I gotta tough it out. Too bad I realized this too late, could've been saved from a world of grief.

The world's changing fast. Looking back on things, I've realized how much we left behind, and I'm only 16. How would I feel as I get even older? It's a completely new era, but it seems like it's moving so fast. I wish it would slow down a for a bit, but it's just the way society is nowadays.

Aghh piano, my god I love it, but I haven't practiced enough! There just doesn't seem to be enough time, and for some reason I just lose the will to go on. I only wish I were better because there's so many things that could be played on it. On that note, Wedding Dress by Taeyang is just an amazing song. Stupid An just had to show it to me. I'm pretty much listening to it all the time right now. The lyrics are amazing, and just watching the MV brings so many feelings forward.

And then, I guess that's why it appeals to me so much. I suppose I can empathize with each line of the song. There's a mysterious guilt that I currently harbor right now. I don't know, but I haven't really realized it until now. It's the guilt of having such strong feelings for her. I don't know, she seems so happy with her boyfriend now, and these feelings just seem so out of place. I kinda wish they would just fade away as they usually do, but they're so stubborn. Grrr! Yea, I know I'm young at 16, and there's so many opportunities queued up, but for some reason this just feels more than that "just a high school thing". Maybe in a different place or time, we'll find out.

I just watched the movie "500 Days of Summer". Pretty good, bittersweet. The ending was quite nice, and it really made me think about myself a lot.

- Kevin Pham

Argh